Well, I've been a little depressed lately. Miscellaneous problems in my life.

I was looking at my kitchen table and I saw an ant. I HATE ants.

Can I say that again?

I HATE ANTS!

Anyway.

I was looking at this annoying little bug, thinking that I would like to move into a new place, one that is big enough for me, my two kids, and my husband. I started thinking about how I would love to live in a place with no bugs.

You ever have one of those thoughts? The kind that you don't think on purpose? The kind that you dismiss right away because they're absurd? Like thinking you would like to shake your child to make them stop crying and then dismissing it right away because you know it's wrong and harmful?

I had one of those thoughts.

I thought about the fact that in Heaven, there wouldn't be any bugs to annoy me. And I thought that sounded really nice.

I scared myself. Because if you follow that little thought process, it leads to me dying. Screw that. Leads to me committing suicide.

There. I said it.

Suicide.

THAT SCARED ME.

If you had asked me thirty minutes ago if I thought of myself as suicidal, I would've said of course not.

Now, I'm leaning in that direction. And it scares the heck out of me.

So.

This blog is my own personal keep-myself-alive-and-then-be-a-better-person therapy.

I am going to name one thing each day that I am thankful for. Counting my blessings.

Then I am going to name one good thing that happened to me each day.

Doesn't have to be much.

Just. One. Thing.

Maybe I can make a difference.

SO here goes: today, I am thankful for this wake-up call. That annoying little ant on my kitchen table had no idea how he would affect me. And a good thing that happened? Well, we'll go with seeing an ant. Just one ant.